Tis the Season
by Mirage DeDreamer
Summary: Chapter 3 is here! Come laugh at the lameness of my fic!
1. A Very Merry Beginning

Author's Note: Okay, I know I'm supposed to be working on 'Maze' but I decided that if I was ever going to write a Christmas fic I'd have to start now. I actually got this idea in math class and started working on it. I might include other holidays later even though I hardly know anything about them (I hardly know anything about Christmas too but that is the one I celebrate). Well here it is, hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim so it would make and excellent Christmas present. Are you listening Jhonen!?!

***

"…and that's why Santa Clause is really a spy working for a covert Russian agency bent on reviving the Feudal System of government," concluded Ms. Bitters. Silence reigned in the classroom. No one was really paying attention; no one except for one little green kid. Coincidentally he wasn't even a kid at all but an alien sent to discover all of Earth's secrets so that it could eventually be conquered. In fact, he hadn't even been sent to Earth to do that. It was all a part of a complex plan thought up by two over sized little green men in 2 minutes tops. But this is all beside the point, if there indeed ever really is a point.

The point is that the little green kid, who wasn't really a kid at all _(mind in the gutter)_, was listening intently to his insane teacher. Listening and thinking, the switches had all been thrown and the gears in his over sized head where beginning to grudgingly move (you could almost see the smoke coming out of his non-existant ears). And all this was going on because of one little question that had slowly been driving the little alien insane ever sense the Turkey Fest the humans had held a few weeks ago: Who was this Santa person and why were all the humans so obsessed with him?

"No one believes in Santa Clause anymore," scoffed one boy.

"Though it would be nice if it snowed," added a purple haired girl. Instinctively everyone turned to look out the window at the playground. Outside the sun was shining and it was at least 60 degrees. Now the little green alien had no idea what snow was but the humans seemed to be greatly missing it, so therefor it couldn't be anything good. 

"When it snows I'm gonna start the biggest snow ball fight of the century," said a boy. 

(_I don't know the names of any of the kids in Zim's class)_

"I'm gonna build a snowman!" squealed a girl in delight. Soon all the humans were chattering about their favorite things to do in winter. Even the Dib human admitted to enjoying snowball fights.

"Foolish children," hissed Ms. Bitters climbing out of her seat and prowling towards the students. "I built a snowman once…"

__

Cue classic Bitters flashback

We see a young girl happily making a snowman. She gives him a carrot noise and makes eyes and a mouth. She then pulls out a lovely scarf and wraps it around him. And then she takes out a top hat and places it on his head. Instantly the snowman comes to life and bares incredibly sharp looking teeth at the little girl whom runs away screaming towards a town. The snowman pursues her into the town. Mass amounts of screaming and explosions ensue.

__

End flashback

"That's why you should never carelessly dress up a snowman. They might come to life and unleash mass chaos and destruction," said Ms. Bitters bringing everyone back to reality. Silence reigned once again as everyone tried to rid themselves of the horrible images.

"Now class, take out your math books," said Ms. Bitters getting down to business. The students groaned and dug around in desks and backpacks for the said math books. Ms. Bitters turned and wrote '2+2=5' on the board. "Today we will be reviewing your addition because the administration tells me you need to work on the basics. Now can anyone…"

Suddenly someone knocked on the door. The piece of chalk Ms. Bitters was holding snapped in half as she muttered something unpleasant. "Come in," she called not at all welcomingly. The door opened and the largest, most dangerous looking boy and of them had ever saw entered. Everyone found some way to stare discreetly; this kid towered over even Torque. 

"Oh yes class, please welcome the our newest hapless vic… I mean student," said Ms. Bitters. Several kids started to say hi but Ms. Bitters quickly put a stop to that.

"Silence!" she yelled. "His name is Vitch Vetipaedo and I expect you all to make his and therefor my stay here as painless as possible. Now Vitch if you have anything to say, say it now because after this anything you say can be held against you in a court of law," said Ms. Bitters not at all pleasantly. The class stared at the new boy with more interest than usual. For while a kid with green skin and no ears is nothing to be worried about a new possible jock/skool yard bully is.

"Hi, my name is Vitch and I will rule this skool yard in under an hour. If you get in my way, pester me, or just look weird I will separate your head from your body," said the new kid.

"How nice," said Ms. Bitters. "Now take your seat!" Vitch walked over to the seat behind Zim and glared at the kid sitting there. The kid got the point quick and fled the area. Ms. Bitters resumed her lesson.

Zim was brainstorming a new scheme on a piece of paper when suddenly the new kid, Vitch, kicked the back of his seat. "Hey, green boy, where's your ears?" Zim growled to himself and muttered that he had a skin condition. This immediately led to Vitch asking if it was contagious, Zim just decided to ignore him. This caused Vitch to poke Zim repeatedly in the back with a sharpened pencil until he finally yelled at him to stop.

"ZIM!" said Ms. Bitters whirling around.

"SIR!" replied Zim saluting.

"You're disrupting my mindless ranting! Go to the office now!"

"But Sir…"

"NOW!" Grumbling Zim got up from his seat and headed towards the door. This Vitch creature was obviously going to be a problem. Ms. Bitters handed him a small piece of yellow paper and Zim started his trek to the principal's office.

***

It was lunchtime before Zim was allowed to leave detention. He had been made to clean the giant chalkboard and this had required using water, as a result his hands were covered with little bumps and hurt incredibly. Zim grabbed his tray of disgusting human filth and took his customary seat. 

Instead of eating he pulled out a datapad and started to research 'Santa Clause'. Just as he thought he had found some information there was a loud bang as someone slammed a tray down on the table next to him. Zim's first instinct was to ignore whatever Dib was doing, but then suddenly he realized this wasn't Dib's style at all. Zim looked up just as several more kids took seats at *his* table. Zim didn't know why he was suddenly so protective of his table, maybe it was just the whole concept of someone disrupting his research that bugged him, but he was going to give whoever was responsible a piece of his mind. Zim growled and looked around for the leader, but once he spotted the leader he changed tactics. It was Vitch of course, and sitting right next to him.

"Well, if it isn't the diseased dude," said Vitch grinning maliciously. His newly put together posse grinned as if he had somehow said something clever. Zim just fixed a glare on him. "So earless, you gonna eat your lunch?" Zim turned back to his datapad, once again deciding to try and ignore him. But that was suddenly made impossible when Vitch picked up his tray and dumped the "food" on his head. The chemicals in the sloppy mess reacted with his skin and he started to break out. Frantically Zim reached up to wipe the stuff off. But before he could do anything Vitch grabbed his hand. 

"What's wrong with your hand green boy?" asked Vitch as he exhibited Zim's sore and bumpy hand to the other kids. 

"It's nothing," growled Zim as he jumped up and made a run for the exit. Vitch watched him go, a malicious grin spreading his features. Still grinning Vitch turned his gaze on Dib.

***

AN: Not very festive I know but it's only a start. You know me; I have to stick action adventure in a Christmas fic. Hmmm, oddly enough to the parts I wrote in Math class is better than the ones I wrote at home. 'Vetipaedo' mixed around spells 'Videotape', it was a word jumble our Math teacher had us solve at the beginning of this class and I got 'Vetipaedo' *shrugs*, I'm not good with jumbles. Anyway, I would really appreciate suggestions on how to make it better so review for goodness sakes!


	2. Holiday Tradition

Author's Note: I figured I should probably get working on this the general idea behind this fic being to finish it before Christmas. I decided to post what I had and go from there so this will be short. Anyway, sorry for the delay. I also apologize if Vitch doesn't seem mean enough; I don't have much experience with bullies in the physical sense (I come from a school where accidentally touching someone of clenching your fist can get you suspended, sadly I'm not exaggerating). 

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim.

"…and that's why Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer is actually a product of nuclear experimentation gone horribly, horribly wrong," concluded Ms. Bitters glaring at her students. Zim's pencil snapped the only sound in the room. Why was time passing so incredibly slowly? He had to get home, finish his Santa research, reinforce his house's defenses and then plan revenge on that disgusting Vitch thing.

Hissing to himself Zim turned his head just enough to get a good view of the disgusting human. Fortunately Vitch had moved to seat himself behind the Dib-human, apparently he was systematically torturing every kid in the first row. The disgusting creature was hardly even worth his efforts for revenge; he certainly wasn't on the same level as Dib. It was pathetic really. Zim grinned maliciously and turned back to face the front of the room.

"Now class," Ms. Bitters was saying. "Thanks to that group of slithering, spineless, sub-humans we call the PTA the 5th grade will be putting on a performance of the 'Christmas Carol' the last day of skool before vacation. You've all been assigned parts, memorize them or suffer." Ms. Bitters prowled between the rows of desks handing out papers. Zim glanced at the paper, which was apparently a script and started to skim over it.

"Any questions?" asked Ms. Bitters. Zim raised his hand. "ZIM?"

"Does this Scrooge person have any plans for global domination?"

"Not really. Any other questions?" Dib raised his hand. "Yes?"

"How'd I get the part of Tiny Tim?"

"You're the only person pathetic enough."

"Well what about that kid with the-"

"No!" Dib hmmphed and crossed his arms. "We also have one more meaningless tradition we must carry on, Secret Stockings. You will each be given a stocking and a name, fill the stocking of whoever's name you get with cheap, worthless, crap and we'll open them the day before vacation." With that Ms. Bitters started through the aisles of desks again but this time with a bowl full of names. Dib took a name: Zita, well that was easy enough. Vitch got Zim, he found this rather amusing. Zim got to pick last and there was only one name left, Dib.

***

AN: Well there you go, probably the shortest thing I've ever posted. On the up side I plan to have the next chapter out by 6 p.m. today. Suggestions are always appreciated.


	3. Holiday Tradition 2: Mall Madness

Author's Note: All right, so I'm a couple hours behind. Do you know how hard it is to write Christmas fic when it's raining? Anyway, I hope you like it, I really do.

Disclaimer: I don't own Zim or Christmas and I don't own a Mall so there.

***

"A human! In my home! Leaving presents! Never!" yelled Zim as he slammed his fist down on the console. He had finally gotten home to research human holidays and did not like what he'd discovered. "GIR!" The tiny droid snapped to attention and saluted.

"Yes my master?"

"We need to go to the human market place and pick up a few things. I have to get some sort of gift for my secret sock person, do you want to come?"

"I like the mall!"

"Very well then. Get into your disguise, we don't have much time. I must start tightening my defenses against this…" Zim shuddered. "Santa person."

"I like Santa! He's all fat and jolly and his belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly… I like jelly…"

"Enough!" yelled Zim frustrated. "Get your disguise." GIR scampered off. "No way this pathetic human holiday is going to beat me. You hear me Santa!?! You will never get ZIM!"

***

"And I've been trying to figure out why the cast me as Tiny Tim, I mean, that's the lamest part you can get. What do you think?" ranted Dib relieving his woes to Gaz as they walked to the Mall; it was like talking to a wall. 

"Maybe it's because you're so pathetic," suggested Gaz without looking up from her GameSlave. 

"I'm not pathetic, why do people keep saying that? Next you'll be telling my I have a big head," said Dib indignantly. Gaz just sighed in exasperation and didn't look up. She was just about to rip Dib's head off if he didn't shut up, and to think she was making this whole trek to the Mall just to get him a Christmas present. A yelp of surprise from Dib yanked Gaz away from her thoughts. Looking up she saw a large rather unintelligent boy flanked by several smaller but no less brainless looking boys.

"Hi Vitch," muttered Dib glaring at the bigger boy.

"Oh hello Dib, out for a little alien hunting?" said Vitch causing his posse to all snicker. Gaz rolled her eyes, though nobody noticed. 

"No," replied Dib trying to sound threatening and failing miserably. 

"Oh I see, out for a evening of shopping. Just how much money you carrying?" Before Dib knew just what was happening two of Vitch's flunkies had him by the arms. "This your sister?" asked Vitch bending over and grabbing Gaz's GS2. "What happens if I do this?" asked Vitch as he turned it off laughing to himself. Unfortunately Vitch's good mood was totally ruined when he felt Gaz'' fist connect with his stomach. Gaz was on him quicker that you can say 'revenge of the vampire piggies' 15 times fast while gargling orange soda and juggling malfunctioning chainsaws. _(Don't Ask)_

It took a moment or to for Vitch's flunkies to fully comprehend that their leader was being beaten by a little girl; and another few moments for them to realize that one of them was going to have to pull her off before she broke something important (if she hadn't already) at great risk to themselves. It actually took four of them to pulled Gaz off of him, plus three more for moral support and another one to bring Vitch back to reality. Needless to say Vitch would have been flaming mad if he could remember just what was happening. 

"Leave the girl alone," muttered Vitch as he stared down at the ground trying to figure out how solid cement could spin so fast. "Dump the dork in the dumpster and let's get out of here." No sooner said than done.

"What a jerk," muttered Dib as he climbed out of the dumpster and brushed himself off. 

"He. Scratched. My. Screen!" hissed Gaz clenching her fist. "He will pay!"

"While you're at it get him back for what ever that white slime in there was, it's all over my shoes," said Dib as he examined his clothes.

"Hey, are you alright?" asked Gaz actually looking in his direction.

"I'm fine," muttered Dib unconvincingly. "Can we just go home? I'm just gonna get my person 10 dollars worth of candy."

"Yeah sure," replied Gaz turning on her GS2. They walked home in silence.

***

"How do the humans stand being in these places?" muttered Zim to himself as he looked around. He growled as someone bumped into him for the umpteenth time. "Let's get moving GIR, the stench is killing me."

"Look! It's Santa!" cried GIR pointing past a line of kids and very aggravated parents to an animatronic Santa Clause. GIR took off, or at least he would have hadn't it been for his leash.

"No GIR! We have a mission to complete! We don't have time for…" Zim shuddered. "Santa Clause."

"Awwww," moaned GIR. "But I have to tell him I want a monkey doll for Christmas."

"I already told you, no human is getting into my base through the chimney. I don't trust this whole 'presents' thing," said Zim sternly. 

"But how will Santa know that I want a monkey?" asked GIR pleadingly. Zim sighed.

"Fine, you can go meet…ew… Santa. Just make sure you meet me back here in an hour, that should be enough time."

"Yay! Thank you master!" yelled GIR as Zim unhooked him. No sooner was he loose than GIR was off. Zim just shook his head and started off to find the perfect gift for his most hated rival.

It took Zim about 15 minutes in the Science Store to realize he had no idea what Dib could possibly want… except maybe to capture Zim, but that wasn't even an option. Sighing Zim turned around and walked right into a stack of alien plushies. This would be a good start. Zim looked the plushie over, it was ridiculously inaccurate of course, and Zim had never come across a species that looked quite like it. Zim shrugged and looked around for some other worthless junk to stick in his worst enemies stocking. When Zim had thought about fitting in with human traditions he'd never pictured himself wasting time trying to find a gift for the second most troublesome human on the planet (at least he was only second at the moment, Ms. Bitters and Vitch were tied for first at the moment). Sighing Zim decided he'd just take care of it later, sooner or later he'd have to get a gift for GIR (it being human tradition to get gifts for your family and friends as well) and he might as well do all his shopping then.

***

"Next!" called a sleep-deprived man in elf-wear. GIR squealed in delight and ran up to the animatronic Santa (don't ask me why they couldn't a real fat smelly guy). "Welcome to Santa's Workshop, you break it you bought it."

GIR immediately ran up to the Santa and started squeezing it with all his might, babbling on about what he wanted for Christmas. GIR didn't seem to notice that Santa's rosy cheeks were getting even rosier, so rosy in fact that he was starting to smoke. Suddenly the robot Santa's head exploded, causing GIR and several other children to shriek in horror.

"You're n-not Santa!" yelled GIR backing up as the Mall officials started to arrive and herd the screaming children away. "You're Santa CLAWS! Santa's evil twin brother! RUN!" GIR took off across the floor shrieking hysterically. And this was the sight Zim was greeted with when he showed up at the appointed meeting place.

Zim grabbed the hysterical robot as he ran by and put him on his leash not even bothering to ask what was wrong. "Come GIR, let's go home. I have planning to do," said Zim as he turned to go dragging GIR behind him.

"But he's after us!" yelled GIR.

"Who is?" asked Zim turning around sharply to look his SIR in the eye.

GIR shuddered. "Santa Claws."

"Hmmph, he might try to sneak into our base but I very much doubt he's after us at the moment."

"Not Santa Clause! Santa CLAWS! He's after us!" Zim just rolled his eyes and started walking.

"Arm yourselves!" GIR was yelling at all the passerby's. "Beware the Santa Claws!"

***

AN: My little cousins made up the Santa Claws thing, it sounded funny at the time. Anyway, review my fic, I must know how lame it is.


End file.
